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To the vacuum cleaner - you suck!
To the dishes in the sink - you make me feel dirty.
To the laundry – you mock me with many mismatched socks and symbols of oppression aka pants!
To the cats – you are so fluffy, I’m gonna die!
To the TV – why can’t I quit you?
Brief History: Originally written down in the 2nd Century CE (Common Era) by a Roman philosopher, this myth is the tale of how Aphrodite’s jealousy caused her to gain a daughter-in-law. The Goddess of Love ordered her son Eros (also known as Cupid, before he was drawn as a Cherub with a diaper) to make certain a young beauty named Psyche married the most hideous man Eros could find. Instead, Eros was careless (meaning he did it on purpose) and scratched himself with an arrow, resulting in his own love and marriage of Psyche. However, being a stuck-up god, Eros believed that a marriage between himself and a mortal could never work with 100% honesty. So, he only met with Psyche in the dark, informing her that if she ever looked upon him in the light he would leave. As always happens in this story, she is manipulated into holding a candle over Eros. Seeing that her husband was hella hot, Psyche got careless and dripped wax on him. Eros left her and in order to win him back she had to perform a series of tasks. The last task, a trap set by Aphrodite, resulted in Psyche’s death. Eros, having seen how sorry, brave, and determined his wife had been, appealed to Zeus to grant her immortality. And so Psyche was reborn as a goddess.
Analysis: So Eros is the embodiment of love (real love, not the mind games his mom played on men) and Psyche is the embodiment of the soul. The story is literally the marriage of heart and soul. It’s not just a jazz song the middle school kids learn at piano lessons.
Blame It on the Victorians: Victorians loves literature where women are punished for being curious or independent. Have I mentioned this before? I feel like I’ve mentioned this before. Although really it was the poets of the 19th century who felt the need to retell the story over and over again. Instead of the Victorians, it’s actually medieval monks who got their (I’m sure) grubby hands on this story and tried to turn it into a tale about punishment for (gasp) physical love. Psyche being seduced by her husband is the loss of soul in women instead of redemption of the original myth.
Last thoughts: This might have been a bit of a ploy to advertise an upcoming FSF project… just saying.
East of Phoenix is the mountain range of legend. A place of Apache legend, lost gold, and Elvis.
The Superstitions were once thought by the Apaches to contain a hole to the underworld (which may be why a retirement community was built so close to it). The range is beautiful and popular with hikers, for reasons I will never get. People die or disappear on those hikes all the time. I think it’s the rattlesnakes. They’re more devious than people realize.
Okay, it’s probably not the rattlesnakes. It’s probably the ghost. That’s right - I said ghost.
The most famous tale of the mountains (and the main reason so many people get lost up there) is that of the Lost Dutchman Mine. Jacob Waltz (who was German not Dutch but whatever) died in 1891 claiming her had discovered a crud-ton of gold in them thar hills. Gold which no one has ever found. Dun dun duuuuuunnnnn!
This story is so popular that there is an entire pioneer museum dedicated to it. Okay, the museum is really about the history/geology of the mountains, must most people go for the Lost Dutchman exhibit or the Elvis Chapel.
I kid you not. The museum includes several buildings and equipment from the mining town days of Apache Junctuon, this little white church was moved to the museum strictly because of the role it played in the film Charro! If you go, you may pray as much as you wish to a cardboard cutout of the King of Rock and Roll. If you show true reverence he may grant you a pair of new blue suede shoes.
Both the mountains and the Chapel will play a roll in a new upcoming book from FSF Publications .
Brief History: This isn’t really a story, just a character. Before Uncle Sam, the United States (and originally the Americas) was personified by a goddess-like woman called Columbia. The first time she appeared was in a poem by Phillis Wheatley in which Columbia is guiding George Washington into victory. Washington loved the poem so much he bought multiple copies. In the 19th century, paintings and political cartoons depicted Columbia in her flowing gown and stars in her hair leading pioneers across the plains or protecting Southern African Americans from Confederates. In the 20th century, Columbia stood with Uncle Sam in favor of imperialism and World War I. By World War II, Uncle Sam had taken center stage and Rosie the Riveter was the representation of women doing their part. Now, the only place you really see Columbia is the Columbia Pictures Logo and Uncle Sam rules as champion of the U.S. personification.
Analysis: Phillis Wheatley’s use of Columbia as a woman/goddess instead of just another name for America shouldn’t really be a surprise. Wheatley was an enslaved woman who had been taught Greek and Roman classics before the owners set her free (that’s right, they highly educated her then set her free which was illegal in some colonies). Wheatley used her intelligence to be a best selling writer. So why not represent the new country as a strong woman?
Blame it on the Imperialists: When the U.S. started to join European countries in the controlling of smaller countries, Columbia and Uncle Sam were the mom and dad who had adopted countries like Puerto Rico and Samoa. These children countries were usually drawn in the most racist ways possible with crooked teeth and wild stares. Meanwhile, Columbia is the loving mother. That was her primary role. She was the guardian and care giver. If you did was America wanted of you then America would take care of you. WWI used her as a symbol of what you were protecting if you went to war, but by WWII they needed everyone to be as active as they could be. It was decided that a motherly goddess could not accomplish that.
Final Thoughts: Anyone else think the Columbia Pictures logo look like Annette Benning?
This brings us to the end of the “New Girl” blogs by looking at two episodes from the final season. The season takes place three years later with Nick and Jess returning from a European book tour, Cece and Schmidt raising a precocious girl named Ruth Bader Parikh-Schmidt, and Aly and Winston are pregnant (which makes Aly very grumpy).
In the episode Tuesday Meeting, Nick is in the middle of a writer’s block. His latest book is not meeting with the high standards expected by his publishing company, but he’s trying to cover that up with new social media shots and using a great deal of fake confidence. All of this bravado is replaced by Nick burning his manuscript after his editor tells him to start a new series.
Nick and Winston run into Schmidt whose daughter hasn’t slept in days, meaning Schmidt and Cece haven’t slept in days. Nick is in search of new ideas outside of the Pepperwood Chronicles. The friends try to rebuild his inspiration by telling Nick that he wrote good quotes in his idea notebooks when really they stole the first thing they found from the Communist Manifesto.
In a Three Men and a Baby moment, they all work for hours trying to get Ruth to fall asleep. Meanwhile, Jess and Cece are going to a lunch where CeCe keeps falling asleep and Jess is considering leaving her new job because it’s nothing but busy work. Nick tries to tell Ruth a story at her request and he starts giving colorful versions of childhood memories. He decides that this will be his new book.
In Lillypads, the main plot is a delightful romp of attempting to get Ruth into a prestigious preschool. Seriously, this whole thing is a brilliantly written example of how amusing yet terrifying children can be.
Nick’s plot line involves him going to the bar that he used to own in order to write. In order to meet his deadline, he hired a man to punch him in the face if he doesn’t have 20 pages by a certain time. Of course, he found this gentleman on Craigslist and Winston points out that he would have punched him for free.
Winston comes to Nick for help with being on the stand as a police detective then realizes that he’s given Nick a way to procrastinate. Winston makes a nice speech here.
“Nick, you procrastinate when something is important to you, because deep down, you don’t think you’re good enough to get it done . . . So, of course when you get the opportunity to write something about your own life, the first thing you do is choke. You know how I know? Well, because for some reason, I’m your oldest friend. So I hope you get punched in the the face today. I really do. And then maybe you’ll finally see that you are good enough to be everything you want to be.”
I’m just gonna leave that nice thought there.
When we left the on-going saga of the “New Girl” characters Nick and Jess, Jess had runaway from Nick and Nick was finding new success being a writer. Spoilers ahead. And here we go.
This episode involves Jess about to tell Nick she wants to give their relationship another chance, but at a reading of his book he tells fans that the two main characters based upon him and her will never get together. His audience of teen readers are instantly crushed as he goes into an explanation about how adult relationships are complicated and he can’t force second chances between characters based on real people.
Heartbroken by his explanation, Jess pretends she is not back in L.A. and hides out at the house of Schmidt and Cece. She makes plans to move away and be away from the complicated adult relationship. She also get involves in the Winston and Aly B story about contacting Winton’s dad. “You can move with me to Portland!” Jess tells them and Winston responds with a resounding no. “Portland hella white”. All of this goes on through the chaos of discovering that Cece is pregnant and everyone accidentally found out before Cece.
Meanwhile, Schmidt goes with Nick to meets an editor and publisher interested in the Pepperwood Chronicles. The editor is more willing to make the deal if Nick kills off Jess’s character in the next book, a moment that makes Nick run to find the real-life Jess.
The episode does have a happy ending for what no one was sure would be the show finale (they get one more season). But I’m more focused on the interactions between Nick and the publisher that signs him. Their first encounter is very unprofessional and Nick downright rude.
Then when they have the meeting in the man’s office, Nick tells him in no uncertain terms that all of the publisher’s ideas are bad and asks if he’s ever done this before?
Yet, in the final season they are in business together. Pepperwood as a series became so popular that Nick’s publisher and his husband accompany Nick and Jess on European book tour! How? How would that possibly be a thing? How would any agent, publisher, or editor ever once allow a writer to speak to them like that and in up in business together for three years? I thought this show was supposed to take place in the real world, not cuckoo-bananas writers do whatever they want world.
Image property of Fox
For those unfamiliar with the supernatural crime television show “Lucifer”, it’s loosely based on the Neil Gaiman DC comic character featured in the Sandman. But here, Lucifer (played by the swoon-worthy Tom Ellis) is a consultant to an L.A. detective named Chloe Decker (Lauren German) in a murder of week formula.
In the episode entitled “High School Poppycock”, a famous YA author has been murdered and the manuscript of her final novel of her popular series is missing. As this is a murder mystery I will warn that there are SPOILERS AHEAD!
Lucifer and Decker discover that novels were based on people and experiences the author witnessed in high school set in a dystopian future. This is very clear in that the woman did not even change the names of her former peers in the books. They decide to attend her high school reunion and see who could have been bitter at being used as mass produced drama or who knew that the author was overcoming at block at the time of completing the final book in the series, an ending her publisher stated was going to be full of battles and epic action.
A humorous moment comes in Detective Decker reading the series for insight and being hooked. Her character is former child actress who never had her own high school experience and she is sucked in by the angst of love triangles and petty feuds. She can’t help but allow her love of the characters to effect how she views their real-life counterparts at the reunion. That’s right. Chloe discovers fandom. The episodes does a good job with this concept, stating how the inspiration for the characters feel about their place in the books and how the people who were left out felt. There is even a major plot point involving fan fiction. Oh fan fiction. How I miss thee. Wait, what? Who said that? Not me.
Meanwhile, Lucifer is obsessed with finding out how the deceased author overcame her writer’s block, believing that her technique will help him his issue of helping kill the Biblical Cain (long story). He’s told that the afterword of the manuscript included the tale of the author’s return to productivity and inspiration. Therefore, he has a little more interest in finding the missing series finale than finding the actual killer.
After witnessing the real life drama of the people the book was based upon at the high school reunion, Chloe decides that maybe she didn’t miss much in her adolescence. She and Lucifer also come to the realization that the people included in the novel found therapeutic outlets by seeing themselves through the author’s eyes and the eyes of the fandom. As it turns out, the agent from the publishing company had murdered the author when he discovered that her ending was not the action-packed Michael Bay finale he wanted. Instead, she wrote something heartfelt and character based. Therefore after he killed her, he destroyed the only copy of the manuscript with intentions of replacing it with something a fanfiction author created, then kill that author as well.
Beside the murder - HE DESTROYED THE BOOK! Lucifer is ready to kick his ass angry by the loss of what he thought would help him, but also angry that something this woman worked so hard on was burned up.
In retrospect, the episode discussing the passions of fans and the inspiration behind popular work can be seen as. . .
You know what. Nope. He destroyed the ONLY COPY OF HER BOOK. I’m done.
image belonging to Fox and Netflix
When is a good time to deal with the scandalous topic of Oscar Wilde’s personal life? 1960, I guess. Oscar Wilde is a British film starring Robert Morley as the celebrates writer and John Neville as his “special friend” Lord Alfred Doulas.
Oscar Wilde is one of the great loves of my life (starting with my childhood obsession with his short “The Canterville Ghost”) so I went into this movie with no expectations. It only covers the trials between Wilde and Lord Douglas’s father with a rather strange portrayal of the aftermath. But as a film, it’s fast paced and keeps the attention.
Robert Morley and John Neville
First, two details that made me happy in this movie were showing Wilde’s grave and artwork in his home. The art are prints by Aubrey Beardsley, who both illustrated some of Wilde’s work and was friends with him. Beardsley own short life had rumors that were so much worse that Wilde’s scandal, but no one makes movies about him. I’ve been to Wilde’s massive grave but these days it’s covered in lipstick and plastic (to dissuade the kissing). In the film, it’s clean and the epic art-deco angel still has its genitals. Yep, sometime between 1960 and now some awful human decided to break off the penis of the Oscar Wilde grave. Why does he have to be metaphorically castrated?!
I could use this as a platform about the bigotry of the past, but there are other biopics of Wilde I can do that with. As far as authors go, this another of public vs. private image stories. The start makes it seem more like he was manipulated by Lord Alfred as a way to get back at Lord Douglas senior, but their actual relationship is kept vague. How it all effects Mrs. Wilde is touched upon l, but not made a major plot point. But whether Wilde is proven gay or not, the film shows how this public attack on his reputation hurts those close to him. The court case using Dorian Gray against Wilde is a big part of the evidence. Wilde argues that the prosecution mistakes the fiction from the creator which is something fandoms still struggle with.
Mask of Dimitrios is the original film of a writer living out their stories. I discovered this film on TCM during a Peter Lorre phase (a perfectly normal phase for a young woman in her late teens) and was automatically interested because for once, the poor actor with the bug eyes was not playing a secondary character or the villain. He is the hero of this story and his character is the writer I’ll be focusing on.
The whole thing starts when mystery writer Cornelius Leyden (Lorre) is approached while on vacation in Istanbul by a man who is both a fan and a member of the local police. You find Leyden sitting alone at a party just watching the people and not engaging. I love this. He’s supposed to be a famous author, yet he has enough anonymity to still act the way most authors would act at a party. Then a conversation starts with Colonel Haki (Polish actor Kurt Katch . . . playing a Turkish man . . . Yes. Movie casting be messed) saying how much he’d like to write a book and Lorre looks a little like he want to escape right then and there. But Haki brings up the recent death of the infamous criminal Dimitrios Makropoulos and asks Leyden if he’s like to know more of the sake of his writing.
Peter Lorre and Kurt Katch. Image property of Warner Bros.
Leyden is eager, but discovers his first shattering of reality when Haki shows him Dimitrios’s corpse which had been found exposed to the elements on a beach. “It isn’t quite what I thought it would be,” he says uncomfortably as the death wounds are shown off. Despites his squeamishness at a real death, Leyden declares that Dimitrios would be a fantastic basis for a character and decides to track down more details of the man’s life for a new novel.
You know I love research so even in a film where the fictional writer must go through European records and interview unusual characters using charm he saved up for such occasions makes me happy. Lorre even dons glasses and pulls out all of the please and thank you’s of a man needing favors from other people. I try to imagine Lorre’s Casablanca character squealing, “ Reeeeek! Help me, Rick!” while wearing glasses and it really would have detracted from the scene. The research even takes him to meet his subject’s former girlfriend, a rather worn looking young woman named Irana Preveza (Faye Emerson) who paints a manipulative yet charming hired assassin in Dimitrios. The other characters add other political crimes to the criminal’s dossier. Leyden seems rather naive in finding nothing wrong in all of these spies and thieves telling him dangerous facts.
The character fits with how an author does not always match their subject matter. While Leyden write popular detective stories full of murder and mayhem, the writer is a soft-spoken, somewhat humorous person (although he always seems to be laughing at a in-joke with himself), who wishes there were kinder people in the world. He is also a rather overly logical fellow. Upon walking into a grand house, he go instantly to introduce himself to the cats. When a gun is waved at him, he grumbles that he’s tired and wants to go to bed.
My favorite quote in the whole film is when another character is shot, Lorre says like a bewildered child, “He was my friend. He wasn’t my friend, but he was a nice man.” This sums up the character well.
Enter Sydney Greenstreet as Mr. Peters, the character that will turn a research trip in a full blown mystery. Greenstreet and Lorre made many movies together, usually where they were both villains. In this case, Mr. Peters is a rather jolly smuggler who isn’t convinced that Dimitrios is dead and wants the writer’s help in tracking him down.
Most writers, especially of genres such as fantasy, science fiction, horror, and mystery, are not equipped to do what we put our characters through. If I had to face some of the monsters I put in my novels I would simply pee my pants and let it eat me. That’s a part of this movie. Leyden is presented as a little out of touch with reality and by the end he has to take charge and be brave. Also, when it is all over, he has to still write the novel he set out to do. After all, if you are put in mortal danger for a project it’s a good idea to finish it.
Peter Lorre and Sidney Greenstreet as a strange duo. Property of Warner Bros.
NINE - NINE! For this blog, I’m combining two episodes from my favorite show (since they are really one long plot line) “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”, for those who have never seen this show, it’s the quirky comedy of a group of Brooklyn detectives.
Within the first of these episodes, Sergeant Terry Jeffords (played by the greatest fictional president of all time, Terry Crews) is excited that their latest case involves his lifelong favorite epic fantasy author, D.C. Parlov (guest star Fred Melamd). Parlov, author of the Game of Throne-esque SkyFire Cycle, has received death threats, but Terry is more excited finally tell the man how much he has meant to him since childhood. Terry tells Jake Peralta (the immature showrunner detective played by Andy Samberg) that as a young man he sent a letter to Parlov and received a kind and inspiring response that he based much of his confidence on.
Parlov is the publishing version of an aging rock star, attracting much debate at the same time as still attracting hot, young women. “He pulls, Jake!” Terry insists. The author is more interested in the publicity the whole situation is creating for his new books than the actual thought of his own life being taken by a disgruntled fan. The death threats sent to the author co-inside with an announcement that a formally thought male dragon character is in-fact female, stirring up bro anger.
SPOILER ALERT:
It turns out the death threats are coming from Parlov’s former assistant whose handwriting matches the inspirational note that shaped Terry’s life. At first Terry is devastated that his connection to Parlov was fake, but Jake convinces him that the source of the words don’t matter, just that Terry is an amazing human being.
The second episode featuring Parlov takes place in the following season and is called “Return to Skyfire” in which Terry, Jake, and Detective Rosa Diaz (Stephanie Beatriz) have to attend a fantasy fan convention and find out who leaked Parlov’s latest novel onto the internet. Jake has joined Terry in his love of the novels having read them in previous episodes, however Rosa is less than stoked when she discovers that her signature look is basically the cover of every steampunk novel.
Despite the betrayal and general jerk behavior of the author in the previous episode, Terry and Parlov stayed in touch over the last year. This has inspired Terry to try writing a fantasy novel himself, which Jake sends to Parlov. He then reads it himself, discovering that Terry’s first literary attempt stinks.
Parlov’s rival, author Landon Lawson played by Rob Huebel, also has his latest work leaked and the two men become more insistent that the Brooklyn PD find the mole involved. However, Parlov also tells a star eyed Terry that his first draft is being sent to his publisher, Jake realizes that the authors are lying and leaked their own novels.
There are 3 themes that come up in these episodes. First - Fandom can be hard. Everyone is surprised when the muscular Terry turns out to be a huge fantasy nerd, but they do quickly embrace this fact. Rose even ends up buying a steampunk novel under Terry’s influence. Even though there is that brief suspension of belief among his co-workers, they accept that Terry likes what he likes.
Second - kill the author. Even though Parlov turns out to be a mega-douche, Terry and Jake still love the books. Sometimes, it’s difficult to separate a writer’s work from their personality or real world opinions (cough cough Rowling cough). Yet Terry is unwilling to give up a series that meant to much to him, instead compartmentalizing the author and the series within his own mind.
Lastly - first time writers. Terry’s first draft of his first novel is described as awful. But Jake points out that Terry can get better. And that’s always a good thing to keep in mind.
David Fincher’s fictionalized tale of Herman Mankiewincz writing the script for Citizen Kane. This is not the first movie I’ve seen about this process (I sat through RKO 281 some time in high school and didn’t like how they depicted Marion Davies) nor am I the best person to tell you whether this movie is hard follow because I watch way too much TCM (that includes their documentary serious about movie moguls). What I can tell you is what it’s like to watch Mank as a writer.
The film focuses a lot on Mank’s (played by Gary Oldman) personality and alcoholism in the Hollywood world purchased by William Randolph Hearst (Charles Dance). By the way, this movie present Hearst’s long-time girlfriend Marion Davies in a way that showed her the way I like to imagine her - a little screwed up, a little suppressed, but overall a kind and fun-loving person. Amanda Seyfried nailed it in my opinion.
Image Property of Netflix
Okay, back to Mank himself. The struggling screenwriter, once a golden boy in Hollywood, has been given the opportunity to write the first draft of a magnum opus by rising start Orson Welles (Tom Burke). The catch is he won’t get credit and has been isolated in a desert cabin with sixty days to finish the epic film. Some people will say the Welles and Mank wrote it together, but I can’t help believing this version more (even though I know it’s not historically accurate). The idea is that because Mank has been blackballed by his own studio for his controversial drunken rants and not siding with the studio’s political views, no one will object to him being fully paid if he has no credit (make it look like he’s not working). On top of all this, Mank has recently been in a car accident, leaving him bedridden with a secretary (Lily Collins) to help him write.
Why, you may ask, has been sent into exile for this writing endeavor? For the deadline, naturally. Have you ever tried to get a writer who isn’t a journalist to meet a deadline? Do it. I dare you. Go up to a friend whose a writer, give them an idea, and say, “Could you give me a short chapter within the next seven days?” I almost always guarantee that it will become eight day at least. Artists - am I right?
Welles takes no chances and has deprived Mank of his family, his friends, proper alcohol (he has booze, but it’s drugged so he falls asleep after 1 bottle), and, thanks to the accident injuries, the ability to go outside easily. The movie delves into how Hollywood worked at that time, really focusing on how media can influence politics and how studios controlled their people. Mank is a sarcastic voice of reason and truth, making jokes to Irving Thalberg while criticizing him in the same breath. Hell. Hollywood still probably works like that (minus Thalberg). All of this honesty and drunken verbal vomit/literal vomit has left Mank without much work, his bosses being more concerned about punishing him than if he is still a good writer.
Welles credits himself for Mank writing one of the best things he’s ever written, not realizing that with the help of his secretary, Herman found ways to get back into his normal albeit destructive process. This is also important watching it as writer. Everyone has their own process and if you take that way, you can’t expect their best work. However, as I said, Mank was extremely self-destructive allowing both alcohol and guilty memories to destroy his brain. I don’t recommend his old school idea of a writing - men at typewriters with too much whiskey and not enough respect for the opinions of their intelligent wives. Which is my final thought. Fincher doesn’t glorify this behavior like some toxic-masculinity ridden Hemingway biography. He shows regret, pain, the effects on people around Mank, and how destructive is still destructive no matter what kind of art it produces.
Image Property of Netflix
* it’s technically May the 6th but know you’re still marathoning Mandolorian
1. Don’t stick cinnamon rolls to either side of your head. Let's face it, not everyone can have that luscious wig they threw on Carrie fisher. But if you come in wearing breakfast pastries over your ears not only will your bosses wonder about your sanity, your coworkers will be annoyed that you didn't bring them any. Plus, you'll attract ants.
2. Just because you're wearing a robe-like white dress without a bra, you are not automatically a princess. Stop trying to put medals on the big hairy guy in the next cubicle.
3. Searching through the art installation rock garden for Kyber crystal will not be taken with a grain of salt by office security. I'm pretty sure this is the workplace equivalent of digging through a fountain for pennies. Security won't understand that you need it for your lightsaber.
4. Don't spend your whole lunch period trying to pick a fight about ending of Rogue One.
5. Don't try to use the Force to throw plastic cutlery at your coworkers
6. When you overhear other people saying that they are not afraid of your boss, don’t go up to them and whisper in a croaking tone, “You will be. You. Will. Be.”
7. Don't tell your supervisor that you sense is great darkness in her/him
8. Don't announce to everyone that you are going to use the restroom by loudly humming the Imperial March
9. When you steal someone else's yogurt from the fridge and they catch you, don't declare that you are a smuggler and it's what you do, sweetheart. If they question you further, don't then additionally declare that you are only there to get paid.
10. Don't fill out reports while muttering under your breath, “I am one with the force. The force is one with me.”
11. Every time the copy machine acts up, don't start pleading with it by using the words, “Droid please!”
12. Don't tell people to get out of your cubicle by singing the Bea Arthur song from the Christmas special.
13. Don't find your coworkers service dog and try to explain to it what a helmet is (or ask it to raise your orphaned children if you are ever killed upon Endor).
14. Don't reply to every piece of office gossip with, “Nooooo! That's not true! That's impossible!”
15. And finally when your boss tells you that you have been fired for your strange shenanigans, don't tell them that if they strike you down it will only make you more powerful.
Once again, I’m Fable Skelly. Also with me are Todd Mandel and Riley Carter. And this is Todd’s social media project, Fable’s Antiques Roadshow Rip-off. For those of you listening to this as a podcast, be glad because I haven’t eaten yet. Todd, you promised us pizza. Why after? Ugh. Fine.
Our guest is Mr. Beburg. Let’s see what you have. Woven belt with a gold buckle. Looks 16th century, but in really good shape. Where did you get this? Family heirloom. Interesting. I feel like I’ve seen this belt before. You said your name is Beburg? By any chance does your last name come from where your ancestors were born? Yes. That’s what I was afraid of. Sir, you’ve never tried to put this belt on have you? You did recently. Right. Would you excuse me for a minute.
Todd, I need to you stop recording. Riley, I just found out where all of those nighttime attacks came from. That’s the belt of Peter Stumpp who was a serial killer executed in the 1500s. Why am I so worried? Um. . . because used the belt to turn himself into a wolf and eat people.
Wait. Where did the belt go? Where did Mr. Beburg? Aw crap. Run. Run now. Everyone run! What the hell, Todd? Are you still filming? You know what, just for that, I hope you get eaten first.
Welcome again to the failed social media experiment that is this show. As always, I’m the voice of history, Fable Skelly, your host. With me is the twisted mind behind this abomination, Todd Mandel. And in the corner, pretending he’s not listening is Riley Carter, who drove me here.
Here’s the premise. A person brings me something. I look at it and estimate what it is and how old. The usually something bad happens after that.
Today’s guest is Mr. Kanin and he has brought us - Oh wow. This is amazing. This is Apache pottery. Probably a water basket. Extremely old. Probably around . . . Riley, why are you hopping around like that? You’re making Mr. Kanin really nervous. And, oh. Rude! Mr. Kanin, why did you just snatch that out of my hands? I thought you wanted me to take a look at the pottery. Mr. Karin! Where are you going?
Riley! Why are you chasing him? Gah!
Todd, stop yelling your head off and help!
Oh! Careful of the pottery! Todd, if you sit on Mr. Kanin like that he won’t be able to breathe. Yes, Riley! Stop gasping at me. I’m calling the police now.
Hello. Can you come to this house as soon as possible? I think we just caught the man who robbed the Heard Museum last week. Todd, take the phone and give the police the address.
What’s that, Riley? Yes. This show is getting out of hand.
Welcome again to Todd Mandel’s social media attempt. If you are watching this then you can probably guess that I’m not Todd and if you are listening to this on the podcast, I’ll just clarify for you that I’m the host, Fable Skelly, not Todd. And this is a really weird idea where I look at people’s old junk and tell them what I know so they can hope for a cash payout from some other organization with money.
But not your item, Mrs. . . . Doe, was it? I’m sure you’ve brought us something that’s not junk. For those of your watching this, you might be confused by me talking to a space off camera. Our Mrs. Doe has chosen not to be filmed. Or seen apparently. Where did you find that hat with a veil? I didn’t think they made those any longer?
Oh! Okay. I will mind my own business. Fine. Rude. But I guess fair, since I was rude first. Let’s get this over with. What did you bring us. Oh! Oh, wow. This is worth something? This is what is generally known as a poison ring, probably from the seventeenth century and it’s in excellent shape. The stone doesn’t even have any wear and the hinge that open still works. The little chamber under the stone is pretty filthy. Some kind of dust in there, I think. But know, these rings usually weren’t used for poison. Most of the time people kept religious relics or bit of hair of a loved one and-
What’s that Mrs. Doe? You want to know what the dust is inside this one? I’m not a chemist. I’m a teenage girl. Okay. No need for name calling. Yes, it might be leftover poison or it could be powder from a piece of saint bone or it could just be dust.
Mrs. Doe, you seem to be very interested in the killing properties of this ring and you’ve come to us under an assumed name AND you’ve covered your face. Forgive me for being blunt, however, could it be that you’re planning a murder?
Oh! Also rude. That’s a lot of swearing. Todd, can we have all that swearing on this? Oh, we’re live so it can’t be helped. Okay.
Oh and she’s gone. Yes, I suppose we should call the police. At least she left behind the ring with the Cantarella in it. Oh! Of course it’s a poison. I do know my poisons, but Mrs. Doe didn’t need to know that.
Todd, stop waving your hand at me like that! It’s rude! Fine so we’re filming. So what? Riley, don’t frown at me like that. I’m just doing this to get extra credit in history class. Ugh! Fine. Hi. Hello. Welcome to another episode of what is clearly a stolen concept. I’m your host, Fable Skelly, the teenager who knows weirdly too much about old stuff for reasons I can’t say on the air. With me are the shows creator, producer, director, and editor, Todd Mandel, Mr. Richie, our guest for this episode, and Riley Carter, who is my ride.
Mr. Richie, what did you bring for us today? I know you said on the phone that it’s been in your family since they came over as colonists in the 1700s and you still use it regularly today for green beans at Thanksgiving. Let’s see . . . Oh my.
For those of you listening to this on the podcast, Mr. Richie has just presented a deep pewter bowl with a small handle and he is correct. It is from the eighteenth century. However, my first note is this. Stop putting food in a pewter dish. It’s really not healthy.
Didn’t your ancestors put food in it? Nope probably not. By this time, a lot of people had rediscovered how harmful lead poisoning is. Yes. I said lead poisoning. That’s what pewter is.
But you also probably don’t want to be eating out of this because it’s a bleeding dish. Nope. For human blood. Doctors used to think that in order to make a sick person well, you had balance the liquids in the body and get rid of infected blood. If they weren’t using leeches, doctors would cut open your arm, lay it on a dish like this, and just let you bleed out of a while. Why do you look so green?
Todd? Riley? Why are you looking at me like that too? It’s not like this shit was my idea. I’m just telling you what it was used for. This was a normal part of life. A horrible, horrible, normal part of life. Why do you think the age expectancy was so low? It’s not just because people didn’t eat their veggies!
But, good news for you, Mr. Richie. This is probably worth something. Oh. You need to clean out some of this green bean residue first. Doesn’t your family wash dishes after Thanksgiving?
Welcome to this new episode of my friend Todd’s ridiculous social media show that’s clearly a rip off of a well-established PBS television program. And now Todd is giving me a dirty look. I’m your host, Fable Skelly, a perfectly average teenager who has no connections to historical artifacts at all. None. What-so-ever. Totally normal here.
Today’s guest is Ms. Reynolds bringing the jewelry box she bought in an estate sale. She’s asking for identification of the unusual material of these various pieces. Let’s take a look. For those of you you are listening to this on the accompanying poocast . . . What? Oh. Podcast. If you’re listening to this one the “pooooodcast” this is mainly brown in color. The chains on these bracelets and necklaces are very thick, made of soft fibers woven together and -
And this is human hair. Yeah. I’m going to put that down now. You see, Ms. Reynolds, although you are correct in making that face at me, it was super boring if you were upperclass and Victorian. Women would save the hair from their brushes and made it into artwork. Usually they did this with the hair of their loved ones after they. . . died. Yes. Some this could be dead people hair. No! No! It was a sign of remembrance and respect. And is super gross. Fair enough. Actually, these are very intricate and well done. They might be worth a little somethin- And she’s throwing them in the trash and leaving. The power of the gross was too much for her.
Todd, can you fish that out? I know it’s human hair, but it might be something sentimental like the hair of someone’s grandma or aunt. Or evil headmistress? What exactly do you think the Victorian Era was like? Nevermind! I don’t want to know.
Let’s get this over with. I’m Fable Skelly and this is some sort of antique show rip-off produced by teenagers. I am your host, Ms. I-Don’t-Want-To-Be-Here, and only feeling comfortable because public television doesn’t have the money to sue us. I have been volun-told into the role host because I’m the only one of us with an A in history (and I’m the only one who has actually lived through 3,000 years of history). Oh, you heard me say that last part? That was a joke. Obviously, a joke.
Today’s object being presented by Mrs. McGlory, neighbor to my friend Riley and a woman I have never been properly introduced to. Even now as I’m sitting her across from her and the camera rolls, no one has bothered to actually introduce her. And now my friend Todd is giving me the director’s glare so . . . moving on.
Mrs. McGlory, welcome to . . . whatever this is. Please do not let Todd whispering about lighting bother you. You look great and this lighting he’s created using hunting spotlight is not blinding me at all. And what have you brought for us to appraise today?
Oh. It’s an old bucket. I can tell you right now that is indeed a rather rusty bucket, probably from the late 1800s or early 1900s. This model was probably purchased locally and. . . What was that, Mrs. McGlory? You want to know about what’s inside the bucket? No problem. Let me just reach my hand in here and -
Ew! Gross. That’s an old corncob with - yep, some scraps from a farmer’s almanac. I need hand sanitizer. No, really, Todd, now or I’m going to throw up. Riley? Someone give me a wet wipe or something?
Thank you! Gross. Just gross.
Sorry, Mrs. McGlory, for the disgust. I assume you had family who were farmers or lived in a rural community? Yes. That’s what I thought. What you have here is essentially toilet paper for people who couldn’t afford toilet paper. No. I am not joking. To be perfectly fact with you your great-grandparents probably wiped their rear-end clean with that with that corn cob and threw it into the bucket when done. Now my question is, why the hell would they keep this for generations?
You still want to know if it’s worth anything? Not unless you want to get dna samples. Can I suggest throwing this away now?
And that’s, dear viewers, was pointless. Till Todd’s next social media streaming experiment, I’m Fable Skelly and this is a total waste of my time
First, for those who’ve never seen this adult cartoon, “American Dad” is another show from the brain of Seth MacFarlene (see “Family Guy” and “The Orville” - Yes! “The Orville”! I like that show okay! I know it’s isn’t Star Trek, but it fills a Star Trek shaped hole left by CBS All Access). It’s about a family whose patriarch is a conservative CIA agent, their goldfish is actually a German man whose brain was swapped, and a drunk alien lives in their attic.
In this episode, Francine, the ditzy wife, writes a noir romance novel entitled The Cobra in the Bag: A Tony Hurt Mystery under the name F.R. Ancine. It’s nominated for “Best Lonely Housewife Detective Novella: Softcore” by the Federation of American Mystery Writers (not a real group, but it leaves me wondering why more official genre groups aren’t called “federations”) and the whole family goes to the Manhattan for the awards ceremony.
While there, husband Stan and daughter Haley are taken on a strange tour of New York by Robert Wuhl (look him up) and son Steve with Alien Roger want to play at their favorite detective personas - Wheels and Legman - thinking it will boost their family. Roger gets this idea when they see that bestselling author, James Patterson is also attending the event with his cardboard cut-out in tow. Then, Francine goes missing after not realizing she’s been insulted by Patterson and excitedly realizing she’s in a literary feud with another housewife writer. By the way, Francine can’t think of a literary feud which shows she’s new to this. Literary feuds are like the cornerstone of the scandalous news stories in online writer magazines. Feuds and lawsuits. Oh. The lawsuits.
Francine is noticed missing when she wins the awards, but isn’t there to accept the award, Wheels and the Legman (a.k.a. Steve and Roger) start their own case to find Francine playing out like a terrible detective television show or, dare I say, terrible novella.
I’ve never been to a mystery writers award show. Therefore, why you may ask, did I choose this episode for this particular blog. Because of he whose name in the bookselling world is often used as a curse, shouted as a fist is raised at the sky.
PATTERSON!
These images are the property of Seth McFarlane and 20th Century Fox. . . or Disney . . . or someone
A 1936 screwball comedy about censorship and public image vs. reality of authors. Despite being a comedy, it really does focus quite a bit on writing and authorship.
Irene Dunne plays Theodora Lynn, the maiden niece of the town matriarchs who teaches Sunday school and helps them to keep scandalous material out of the hands of the innocent. The prime example of the protest is a bestselling, yet salacious novel being serialized in the Lynnfield newspaper. All the gossipy, biddy stereotypes come together in declaration against author Caroline Adams! Of course, what they don’t know is that Theodora IS Caroline Adams, a secret only her publisher knows.
When her identity is accidentally revealed to her cover artist, Michael Grant (Melvyn Douglas) while on a trip to New York City, he dares her to let her hair down and have some fun. Michael is in complete disbelief that such a shy, high-buttoned woman as Theodora could write about the world they way she does. Most people never seem to realize that authors are usually introverted and get their “experiences” vicariously through a mix of research and imagination. After seeing her get drunk and they almost make-up, Theodora sobers up quickly and runs back home to Lynnfield. Michael shows up a few days later, threatening to expose her to all of the town if she doesn’t let him stick around and teach her how to be herself despite what the people around her will say.
Naturally, they fall in love, as it is a comedy from the 1930s, and Theodora feels confident to stand up to her aunts. However, complications occurs when it turns out that Michael secretly lives in his own cage controlled by his politically minded, overbearing father. Complications that mean Michael would either have to stand up to his father the same way he encouraged Theodora or the pair have to wait another two years before their relationship can progress.
This is where the idea of public image comes back into the plot. Theodora is determined to force Michael to confront his father just as he did to her by being as obnoxious as possible. She buys a ridiculous new wardrobe (so. many. feathers.), starts dressing her mutt in giant bows to take him on fashionable walks, and moves herself into Michael’s apartment which forces him out. But most importantly, she reveals herself to be Caroline Adams and laps up all of the media attention in hopes that Michael will step up to prevent a scandal. On the one hand, these scenes are funny because she acts the way a character in her books would act and meet all expectations of a shocked yet very engaged fan base. On the other hand, she semi-tortures her publisher who stood by her secret for so long and causes misunderstandings that really aren’t kind so some of the side characters of the movie. There is also the issue of taking censorship to a personal level, where the people of town switch from banning Theodora’s books to wanting to ban Theodora (also hypocrisy, but I don’t want to spoil that joke in the film).
This was a movie I enjoyed watching in my tween and teen years because it included so many great "rom-com” tropes and phrases like “brazen hussy”. I’m sorry, modern language, but we need to bring that phrase back. It’s far too fabulous to keep in the past. However, this is also a nice story about balance. Balance between morals and reality. Balance when it comes to public life versus private life. And even balance when we love someone and need to learn to accept them for who they are (in this case I’m talking about Theodora’s aunts who had to face ridicule, yet still worried about and stood by her). Still, this was a story primarily about fame and how it can be used. Despite her losing her secret and then over-using her new image, Theodora finds a way to balance the scandal and the care of others by helping her friends towards the end of the story. And having a good laugh about it at the same time.
Deciding to use a pen name is a very personal decision for a writer. Unless you’re Lemony Snicket who will not be appearing at his own book signing because he was eaten by wild animals*. Luckily, Daniel Handler will sign your books instead.
*not sure about this joke. Look it up. It’s great.
