Is It Childproofing Or Just Removing Consequences?

March 14, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

As a parent, you are naturally concerned for your kid’s well-being. You want them to be safe. Many parents take the safety thing to an unhealthy level by locking up or securing basic items in their homes such as cabinets, light sockets, even toilets! Modern manufacturers have caught onto this trend and have jumped on the bandwagon themselves by making certain consumables and sundries impossible to open.

My question is why? Not only does childproofing your living space complicate adult lives unnecessarily, it prevents your little snot tornado from learning that actions have consequences. That latter part has the potential for catastrophic outcomes. If your offspring doesn’t learn about consequences, then it will impact their ability to adapt, their integrity will be nonexistent, their entitlement will be through the roof. In short, they will grow into entitled brats that no one will want to be around. This means the chances of them fulfilling their purpose of continuing the species is severely compromised.

“But Azra, if they got into bleach it could kill my child wouldn’t that also compromise their purpose on earth?”

The answer to that is both yes and no. Yes, if your mini-you got into the household cleaners and drank enough of it you would, in fact, fail at parenting. No, because as far as them contributing to the survival of the species, well? They drank bleach. At that point, it is natural selection and it is better they didn’t reproduce.

My point is, by childproofing the world to keep your rugrat safe, you are really doing more harm than good. Sheltering your kid from the world is not going to let them operate well in it.

My advice is to let them get into things. Let them explore. Let them experience the consequences of their actions first hand. I promise they will be much more interesting as adults if they are missing limbs.

Live dangerously!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Poisoning Your Offspring the Right Way: Nutrition for Modern Times

March 7, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

There is one major tell that indicates exactly where you are in your parenting journey and that is what you feed your spawn.

A trend over the last few decades is for new parents to focus on whole, organic, non-processed foods as the only source of nutrition for their little garbage disposals.

I cannot stress enough how misinformed and just plain wrong that approach is.

Thankfully, it seems that the more offspring parents have, the more they come to their senses and stop feeding their children “healthy” options.

It’s simple, people. If all you expose your progeny to is organic, non-modified food, they will have absolutely no way to cope with the imminent threats of climate change and the ever pervasive chemical farming techniques that are influencing the food supply. If they can’t adapt to the changing environment, they will die and then you lose at parenting. We don’t want losers— just winners.

The idea is poison them early and often.

So, how can a concerned parent achieve this when they are constantly bombarded with “healthy choices”? It takes dedication and perseverance, but here are some tips to help your mini you survive the impending destruction of the world.

1. Understand healthy buzzwords so you can avoid them. These words include but are not limited to: healthy, smart, choice, light, alternative, free, whole, organic, fresh, real, non-fat, all natural, non GMO, and free range.

2. Make sure your food has a label and read them. The key here is the more ingredients the better. Each food option should have at least 10 ingredients, bonus points if most of those ingredients are unpronounceable.

3. Fast food is an underrated option for making sure your little one is chemically up to par with the changing times. Aim for hitting up the fried, pink slime burgers at least once a day.

4. Always choose pre-packaged over making things from scratch. If you are into the whole cooking thing, consider instead of dicing and peeling those potatoes by hand, buy a frozen lasagna dinner instead. It will save time, prep work, and dishes as well as give the added benefit of a chemical cornucopia!

5. Remember, you are what you eat. Choose foods that don’t occur naturally in the wild and that would have a shelf life of years rather than days.

While these tips certainly don’t cover all the ways to correctly poison your child, they will start you on the right path to make sure your young has what it takes to survive whatever comes next.

Chomp On!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Bribery for Behavior Part Two- When to Blackmail Your Child

February 28, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Blackmail is the practice of making people do what you want by threatening to expose a secret or something they’ve done to others. Many people get quite a lot of money this way. I say, why stop at mere money? Why not use it as a way to get your child to behave?

Warning: this does require quite a bit of planning before any expected reward. Patience is key. Here are three simple steps to get you started:

1. Gather evidence of embarrassing outfits and situations. Dress your child up in ridiculous clothing. Stage compromising scenarios.

2. Through the child’s life, allude to some terrible secret that would completely ruin the kid’s life forever. Really make them paranoid and fearful of anyone finding out. Make them convinced that thing you have evidence of is the epitome of shame.

3. Any time the child acts up, threaten to tell the world about the embarrassing behavior/scenario.

The results of this process are amazing. Obviously it isn’t effective for children who don’t understand the concept of shame (seven and under, I’ve found), but it does work fantastically on those obnoxious teenagers. The trick is to plan early and execute knowing you’ll need this evidence later.

If you didn’t have the foresight to manufacture your blackmail material, you can always trick them into giving up a terrible secret. There’s also the rumor mill approach where you can threaten to start a devastating rumor about them in their chosen social circles.

Really, there are many options to choose from. Believe me, it works.

Happy Blackmailing!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the globe, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

The Terror of Teething; Is Chewing Food Really That Important?

February 21, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Let’s talk about teething. Next to potty training, teething is the worst time to be a parent. As some quirk of the human anatomy and development, you humans don't just teethe once. Oh no. You things teethe several times throughout your life, with varying degrees of success and discomfort.

The first time is when you're a baby; a small writhing thing on the brink of toddlerhood. You can't communicate except for screeching, though scientists have yet to prove those noises are any sort of actual language. But that's another blog post. If all the crying and tears are to be believed, teething hurts.

A scant few years later, once you survive the initial protrusion of dentin and enamel through your soft gum tissue, your mouth is full to capacity with chompers. You know what happens then? They. Fall. Out. And the process starts all over again.

It’s complete madness!

So how do you handle teething at all stages of your spawn’s development? Here are six simple tips that should help:

1. Get a large bottle of the alcohol of your choosing. The stronger the better. You can share it with your little shark baby whenever the pain gets too much. The alcohol serves as a pain killer for them and it just makes the whole situation better for you. Drink up.

2. Don’t let them chew on things; this has been proven to aggravate and even delay the process of the tooth breaking through the surface of the gums.

3. Drool is the lubricant for the incoming tooth. The more drool the better. Just be sure to place your miniature faucet over plastic for easy clean up.

4. Don’t let your offspring have hard foods. This goes hand in hand with the chewing on things. Keep them to warm liquids and mushy foods until they are done teething- no matter if they are babies or mini adults or even in their advanced age.

5. Teething is contagious, like yawning. If one child in the playgroup starts teething, the rest of them will. If you suspect your clone is around a teether, remove them from the situation as soon as possible. If yours is teething, be respectful of other parents and quarantine them until the teething is done.

6. Bypass the teething process altogether- invest in dental surgery to remove the tooth growing parts of your offspring’s mouth. This alternative can be expensive, but it may just be worth the price of the dentures on your sanity if we have to wait for evolution to take care of this teeth problem.

Good luck and happy teething!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Potty Training. Why Fight Human Nature?

February 14, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Potty training is the worst. Thank goodness I've never had to do that. When I got my nephew, he was already past that stage. Still, it is a topic that creates a lot of controversy. Should you? Shouldn't you? If not, then how soon can you teach the child to change themselves? If so, is it morally right to train a living thing to poop on command? I mean, sure that could be useful as a prank and in certain battle situations, but is it right?

Then there is when to start the process. How old is considered old enough to control the inner workings of their bowels?

The reality of it is this. Kids are, in general, a mess of bodily fluids any way. Hell, that's just the human condition. It can't be helped. So the question then becomes, why fight it?

Here are some alternatives to dealing with the whole potty training thing.

1. Litter or paper training- sure it's still training, and you'd have to clean it up, but this option is more conducive to the inherent human condition. Just be sure to get enough newspaper subscriptions for your floor plan.

2. Let your child live with wild animals. Few creatures get the potty training thing like wild ones. Sometimes modern technology interferes with natural instincts. If your child spends enough time in the wild, you won't have to worry about the porcelain throne at all! He will successfully cover his excrement like any good wolf pup.

3. If you must potty train, consider hiring someone to do the dirty work for you. However, this can be expensive as few are properly trained in biohazard waste management. Believe me, you don't want to skim the credentials on this one. You may also need additional insurance- check with your provider.

4. Consider colostomy bags for your little poop machine. No training required and it's a simple clip on and forget about it.

There are other options, of course, but few that generate the desired effect without permanently harming your child. This list will at least give you a new option to consider; avoid the controversy and choose not to potty train.

Happy pooping!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Bribery for Behavior Part One: The Case for Sweets

February 7, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Kids are persistent in their volume. They can rival banshees with their shrieks, especially when they want something. What's more, they don't simply shut up about it because you tell them to.

Why allow your eardrums to be assaulted and let your small human embarrass you with a full tantrum display? There's no reason to.

I'm not saying give into their every want and need. That would spoil them. I'm saying be smarter than the child and have back up plans. Namely, sweets.

Sweets are a child's downfall. They crave them, they dream of them and they will do absolutely anything for them. Including behave.

I can hear you parents in the back. "Isn't that just teaching them to cry so they'll get a treat?"

That, my dear humans, is the point.

Face it, we can't control when our mini people cry, but we can have control over how long it lasts and, with enough time, why they cry.

How is this different than just giving them what they want in the first place?

It's simple. By giving them what they want, you are caving to their demands. That makes you weak and easily controllable in their eyes. You do not want that. If you instead give them something else that they value instead (i.e. sweets), then you still win because the little dictator has finally shut up and you did not give in.

Think of it this way. Have you ever given a dog a treat? You know how they get perfectly still and completely focused on the treat right before you toss it at them? That is how your child will react to the sweet you give them regardless of how much of a fuss they were kicking up.

Banshee wails and temper tantrums are a thing of the past as long as the sweets hold out.

Remember; candy is for winners!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

So You’ve Decided to Procreate: Arming Yourself for Parenthood

January 31, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Congratulations on doing your part to contribute to the perpetuation of the human race! What you are about to do is no small feat. It required incredible sacrifices in time, social skills, mental and physical health, money, and any other aspirations you had for your time here on earth. Your offspring and their well-being is now your entire life. It’s existence is completely dependent on you.

Don’t fuck up.

Luckily, you have me to help guide you on this path of procreation.

First thing is first; you’ve gotta arm yourself for the coming of the squalling, pooping, vomiting, drool machine that you are growing inside of you. Sure, you’ve probably already filled out your baby registry for all of the things that the mini human needs, but what about you? Parenthood is a decades long battle and it’s important to have the right weapons. Here is a short list of essential tools to help get you through some of the worst years parenting has to offer you:

1. Invest in a high quality pair of noise canceling headphones. Your newly hatched banshee is going to scream. A lot. You’re going to need your hearing when your child evolves into the sneaky teenager, so protect it now. Don’t skimp on these.

2. Get disinfectant by the metric ton. Children are rife with germs and diseases, cooties, being the prime example. For those of you that aren’t aware, Cooties are a mysterious childhood illness that impacts their social standing. Other children can detect the presence of Cooties, but for some reason, adults cannot. Don’t take the risk of your child being infected. Every time they move, it is smart to wipe them down with the disinfectant of your choice.

3. Obtain a shock collar. This should be an adjustable one since, as your offspring grows, it will be comfortable and non-restricting. The shock collar is the perfect tool to shut your kid up when they are throwing a tantrum or when they are saying things they shouldn’t in mixed company. It’s even effective on those smarmy teenagers! If they work for dogs, they should work for kids. Don’t forget to test out the strength of the shock. Some children have higher tolerances than others. If you find one with a control button, that is even better.

4. Treat yourself to a biohazard containment suit. This will keep all the ick that your offspring spews off of you as well as completely mortify them if you wear it with them in public. Dual functionality!

5. Consider getting a top of the line video surveillance system. While it can be used for home protection, it is far more useful for the gathering of blackmail evidence of your kid (more on this later). Be sure to get the night vision option and put in a discreet hiding place.

While this is in no way a comprehensive weapons list, it will get you started and thinking like a parent should; as if you are preparing for war.

All the best in battle planning!

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Raising Your Offspring; Why I’m The Only Expert You Should Listen To

January 24, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

It’s the age of information and as such, there is a ton of parenting advice on this interwebs thing. While it may seem like a good idea to follow all of these recommendations, let me be the first to say:

Don’t do it.

Don’t take parenting advice from strangers online! You don’t know where they’ve been or what their real agenda is. They could be secret agents out to create the next super villain and your kid could be their unwitting puppet.

I know what you are thinking. “But Azra, You’re a stranger and you’re online. Why should we listen to you?”

I’ll tell you why, newbie parent.

Parental units don’t need new and improved ways of raising their little tyrants. They need the tried and true methods of the past to ensure their offspring are the winners of the game called life (not that board game where everyone gets a car— the bigger, higher stakes extravaganza where losing means dying— game).

I am one of the few creatures on earth that can give not only a historically accurate advice on the matter of raising mini humans, but also a completely objective view. I say objective for a couple of reasons:

1. I am not, in fact, a human. I’m an angel— a Grigori to be more specific. One of the many reasons I was created was to help humans. While child rearing was not my original forte, I consider my time on earth watching the generations of man slip by a more than good enough resume.

2. I do not, nor have I ever, had any kids. Besides the whole “angels don’t have kids” theory (which is a complete lie!), I just never found that certain someone to have my mixed DNA clone with. This ensures that I am not biased because of how I may have raised any offspring.

3. I did have a hand in making sure my nephew, Ryan, grew up. He’s not human either, but that does give me more of an advantage since we had to pretend that we were. Because we were always on the move, I never committed to any one parenting style, choosing instead to remain fluid and flexible.

The sole purpose of me standing on this interwebs soapbox is to help you silly humans guarantee the future of your entire race and that it isn’t completely ruined by some online hack.

Also, I have a bet going with Ryan.

So what do you say? Shall we explore the wonderful world of parenting together?

Looking forward to lecturing you,

Azra

* Disclaimer* Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the globe, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note* Any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

On the subject of ghosts— a blog on opposing views #4- Max

January 17, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Ned, you are recently deceased, aren’t you? Only someone who has just died yesterday would actually threaten to haunt another ghost. In case you didn’t know... you can’t haunt the dead! You’d just be wasting your afterlife.

As far as people walking through you, have you ever thought to get out of their way? If you were still alive, you wouldn’t think twice about dodging to the side to avoid a collision. Why do all these newly deceased idiots think that just because they are dead, they don’t have to move out of the way? It’s simple common courtesy.

Some advice, from one dead guy to another, take stock of the things you can still do despite being dead and quit whining. No one likes a whiner, Ned.

On the subject of ghosts— a blog on opposing views #2: Max

January 10, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Ghosts are everywhere and many of us are practically screaming for attention. Take me, for example. My name is Maxwell Samuelson, deceased. I spent my whole life searching for proof of the afterlife. When it killed me, I spent a good portion of my afterlife trying to make contact with the living.

A fellow decedent, Ned, wrote a— what is this called? An editorial? A blog?

Anyway. The reason I am writing is to counteract Ned’s “leave us to our rest” edict. What a horrible thing to say. The afterlife is a cold and lonely place. Holding onto the life we once had is the only peace some of us will get.

My advice? Look for the signs and reach out to your ghostly neighbors for they are certainly reaching out to you.

What are these signs? Here are a few of them:

1. Sudden drops in temperature. Ghosts take energy from their surroundings. So if you are reaching for a sweater or a blanket abruptly, chances are one of us is around.

2. Objects aren’t where you leave them. This is a classic plea for attention. Pay attention to what is missing and where it ends up. That in itself could be a message from beyond.

3. Did you hear that? A quiet whisper, a soft tapping? Listen carefully, a ghost could have found a way to talk to you.

4. Most importantly, be aware of what is around you. Not all of us ghosts have the ability to actually speak, so look for signs that someone is reaching out. More than likely they are.

Also, Ned, we don’t actually have physical bodies so all we can do is float around. Or haven’t you fallen through the floor yet?

When Fictional Characters Rebel

January 7, 2017 Five Smiling Fish

Let me just say that I can’t be held responsible for most of the contents of this blog. You see, I am not a bloggy type person. They are fun and entertaining, but not really my style. At least, not on any sort of consistent basis. I do have my random outbursts that could be considered blog entries, but they are unpredictable at best.

My characters, however, believe a blog is the perfect outlet between stories to stretch their legs so to speak. This will give them a chance to interact with the outside world and as such, they have made it abundantly clear that this blog is for them.

Being a writer is kind of like having schizophrenia in that there are voices in our heads that sometimes just won’t shut up until we give them what they want. In this instance, a blog.

The characters will change (most want their own turn) and the topics will vary. Honestly, I am not sure what they want to discuss.

I hope you enjoy what I am sure will be an absolute rollercoaster of a blog. Please remember I’m only writing what the voices tell me to.

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